Deep Into the Heart…

A moment in time…. That’s all it takes….. to lose yourself and become someone else for the day.

Or maybe not a day…. What if that day turns into a week, a month, a lifetime…..

It’s so easy to forget who you are, what you stand for, and why. It’s easy to give up, throw in the towel, and let it all go. In fact, more people seem to just do what feels good in the moment, then holding to WHO THEY ARE. And maybe I’m an oddity…… maybe there aren’t many people left with morals, dignity, character, and integrity….. which makes it even harder for the ones with those things to remain constant.

I can play games, be who I need to be to fill a roll, but in the end…. I sit down and ask myself why…. Why I find myself in this place. How I lost who I believe to be me? Why is it so much easier to give in and give up then to keep pressing on. I hate fake. Yet like everyone else, part of me puts on the same face everyday….. never let them see you sweat I tell myself. Every morning…. Ready, set, go. Hair, make up, annnnnd smile. But the smile isn’t always real. Sometimes it’s just not coming. I force it….. Remember Carrie: never let them see you sweat. Don’t show weaknesses. God forbid you have a moment of vulnerability. Stay strong. Be that independent woman. You don’t need anyone.

But when the room is quiet, everything fades away, I sit with the same feeling most have….. an emptiness we all too often don’t admit. That void we all fill differently… Sex, drugs, the game, entertainment to drown out reality, God, the need for love…. A significant other. We all need someone… whether we opt to admit it or not.

I search and search for that thing to fill the void. In my Christian circle, where life is understood by all of us roughly the same….. we all know God is the one who fills that void. But lately I have been on a journey….. to discover life, the meaning, and everything in between. Many might say I’m wrong, many might choose not to admit it……. But even “he who walks with God” needs others. God could be my very best friend, the one I talk to daily, tell my everything to…….. yet still at the end of the day, something deep inside yearns for conversation with a human… yearns to be held… to be understood….. to find that someone I relate to on such an intimate level…. The person I can always be myself around…. No holding back, no walls…… and beautiful no matter what I look like….cliche yes, but the vulnerability inside me believes it exists.

It’s as though the more people I meet, the more I realize how different people are. The more I miss the monumental people in my life…… that I thought would be a dime a dozen. When, in fact, they are no where. I wonder if I will find people like you again…… people so genuine…. So understanding. At this moment, this hour, this day, this week, and possibly even this month….. I feel like I can openly admit I just don’t know. Something burns inside of me. And until I can figure it all out…… let it burn!

If I could listen to every song ridiculously loud and act like an idiot jamming out…. My days would all be perfected.

When I cook, I stand on one leg and put the other on the inside of my knee (weird, I know)

I’m a fairly relatable person….. even if I actually have next to nothing in common with you.

When it comes to choosing restaurants and food…. I genuinely don’t care where I eat

I love the idea of being a health addict…… but my intentions are always better than my actions

Sometimes a good bubble bath with candles and an iced coffee or pina colada is all this woman needs

I’m pretty much a certified clean freak…… everything has its place and I clean every single Sunday

Cooking for one….. totally not worth it….. so I get creative and make dinner and lunch for the next day, but try to take them a bit different.

I’m a woman of character and no matter what I say….. at the end of the day my morals stand firm

I’m a so very, very proud to make my place look like a home…. Empty walls don’t work for me

Shopping is well, my hobby….. but always within my means.

The kitchen is always the very first place I clean when I’m cleaning everything

I know nearly every word to every country song there ever was… and I am proud of that…country music tells a story and holds a depth that most music doesn’t

I’m a planner, I like to make lists, and most time I follow those lists, but sometimes I throw them away because I really only wrote it to get all the thoughts out of my head and see that it’s not that much.

When I wake up, the very first thing I do is make my bed.

Grocery shopping is possibly one of my favorite things to do, but there is a method

Productivity is all I need…… if my day never stops and at the end I can give you a whole list of things I accomplished, I have succeeded

I cannot go to bed with a dirty house….. no dishes in the sink or popcorn bags on the couch or even a full trashcan.

Saturdays are best spent by water…… without doing hair or makeup

There are days (and they are seldom) that I just forget all my tasks for the night and watch a movie…. And every time…. It refreshes me like none other.

I have become quite accustomed to the snooze button I used to never hit :/

Ideal Date: Dinner and a movie inside

My alone time is treasured, but sometimes….. all I want is time with a friend and a quality conversation

TV is a total waste of time in my opinion… I’m working on finding a good book

Iced coffee every single morning……. Sweet Keurig

Never in my life have I ever cared about conserving energy… Until now… that I pay the bill

I look forward to going to work everyday, and I’m probably one of few that say that

A new outfit is sometimes something so simple that can completely change my mood

Grilling out on my balcony is one of my favorite things

The future and “what’s next” are always in the back of my mind

I’m a morning person…… once 11 ‘o clock at night rolls around, I’m half asleep.

A good magazine to read….. while relaxing in some form…. is phenomenal

In an attempt to write something poetic and profound….. all I find are real things, blatant things that I would tell a best friend. These things are not secret. They have no profound meaning. They simply are what they are. Sometimes, I just feel like there are no ears listening. Now, I will talk as if their were.

I signed a lease today for my very first apartment….. and I’m sooooooooooo excited! It’s beautiful and perfect. After months and month of searching, waiting on a job, decisions, a roommate….. and then looking at a million more places….. I finally found the place I will call HOME and an amazing woman to share it with. I’m so excited for this journey! In 6 weeks I am moving out….. for good this time (unless God has other plans). I feel incredibly blessed to have amazing parents who have supported me through this and I KNOW will continue to hold me up when times are hard and cheer for me when times are great. My new place is beautiful…. quaint, distinct, and very suitable to me. I can hardly wait!

I got my hair cut today too. I’ve been growing it out for months….. but they chopped about 4 inches today. I’m not sure it’s been this short since middle school, but I like the change. It actually happened on accident….. because my hair got fried a few months ago and it just didn’t look healthy….. but I’m happy with the bounce and the length is fun. It’s a change I didn’t anticipate, but it makes me smile nontheless. Lovin the change!

Music hits me deep…. deeper than most I think. I mean, I know music speaks to all of us, but for me….. it really captures who I am and turns all my attention. I am jammin out as I write this and I have backspaced half of this whole blog because my mind is in the song (hence why it has no hidden meaning). Anyway, so I watched Country Strong tonight and realized this whole thing about music. I think it’s time to pick up the guitar again. Who knows….. timing is everything.

I’m getting a little bit stronger. I’ve had many thoughts of the man in the rear view mirror lately….. but I keep reminding myself he’s right where he belongs, pick up the pieces, and move on. It’s funny…. I’m not so much mad. I actually let myself feel the hurt instead of anger….. but I don’t think I’m hurt either…. more dissappointed. Dissappointed that I let myself take that for so long. Dissappointed that a man who claimed such a relentless love never relayed those feelings. Sure….. we had good times, but when I sit down to remember…. I hear all the ways I was never quite enough. And then, I don’t miss you. I just hang my head in shame…. that I let myself reside there…. that I didn’t catch it sooner. (Hmmmm, seems harsh…. maybe I am mad…. maybe hurt….. maybe just sick of all the resounding thoughts that pop into my head…. all of the above?)

Transition and stages….. life is full of change and I am FINALLY learning to embrace all the in-betweens. After all, it’s the “nothingness” of life that make us who we are, not the days we stand on stage and perform.

Well, it’s New Year’s Day and it seems every year I have some big immaculate plan to reach every goal a human should ever set. For the past 4 years….. it’s been about health and fitness, never eating bad, always working out, never missing time with God, making sure I always sit up straight, and a bunch of other random, good, but overdone goals.

See, I’m a goal getter. I love nothing more than making list, crossing things off…. Getting somewhere and saying “I did it”….. It’s a rush for me. I genuinely make lists just to cross things off. I’m self-motivated too so I don’t set many goals I don’t reach…. Or bust my butt trying. I also strive for more….. better…. the next step. My mind is somehow always thinking about tomorrow or what I can do to make things more than they are. I focus hard on my faults simply so I can improve.

This year… is going to be different. But not “different” in the way that I really will eat perfect, never let a day go by without my God time, and truly live the perfect life. It will be different in that, for the first time in well, forever…. I am going to embrace where I am, who I am, and who I’m with. I’m not going to be thinking of my next step, how to do better, what I just did wrong, and the million other thoughts that pass through my mind every second.

This year, I will be Carrie…. And Carrie will screw up, fall short, make some mistakes, and probably do the wrong thing even when she knows it’s wrong somewhere in her mind. But Carrie will also accomplish great things, make new memories, create lasting friendships, grow up a bit, learn new things, work through emotions, experience self-discovery, and embrace the moment.

No, this doesn’t mean I’m done working out, eating right, spending time with God, or simply being a good person. It turns out…. All those things are great in themselves and I should still strive for them, but it’s not worth beating myself up over for drinking about 6 sweet teas in a day, sleeping through a workout, and going out with friends late into the night and missing my prayer time. I will still be me…. And part of me can’t walk away from growth and improvement…. I’m all about it. However, my resolution is to enjoy NOW. It’s to embrace the moment, the experience of learning, it’s to not be focused on what’s next or better…. but what IS.

This year is going to be an adventure… and I will embrace EVERY moment of it.

Why exactly is it that we rush into things? Why can’t we just sit back and wait on God’s timing? Why are we so driven toward success and what the world’s timing is that we push ourselves to reach some point before it’s time? At my age….. every other girl in my life is rushing one thing or another….. moving out, getting a job, a new car, married…. everyone’s in some huge rush. I have yet to figure out why.

In the real world….. the one that matter’s (God’s)…. I don’t think it’s like that. I genuinely believe deep inside of myself that He is whispering to each of us… I LOVE YOU….. right here, right now. While your living with your parents, unemployed, driving a junker, and not only is there no ring…. but no prospect…. I LOVE YOU JUST THE SAME!

Yet somewhere, we lose sight of that. We get caught up in the world. We rush and rush things. Some of us move out too early, and end up moving back in because the money just isn’t there. Some of us get married….. to “good enough” and it doesn’t turn out too well either… but we do it anyway….. all in search of progress, meaning, making something of ourselves.

It breaks my heart. And I have to believe it breaks God’s too. He loves us…. oh how He loves us. But we….. we push Him away, oh how we push Him away. He has an amazing plan for each of us. Jeremiah 29:11 promises us that He has great plans, but then we make our own… in our own timing…. and where did God go in all of this? He never left. He sits up in heaven, stands by our side, holds us when we’re broken…. and still….. LOVES US THE SAME. He watches us push Him away, pick up the plans of the world, spit in His face, and totally disregard this amazing, prosperous plan He has for us….. and He may frown and He may hurt, but His love doesn’t change. He still cares for us the same.

So back to the question…. WHY? What are we doing all this for? What are we in some huge rush to reach…. when God loves us, His timing is perfect, and His plan is to prosper us?

Instead of pulling out your planner and thinking about your whole week, month, and year…sit at His feet and simply, ASK, “God, what can I do for you today? What are your prosperous plans for me? How can I serve your will for my life?”

Because in essence, that’s truly all that matters.

“A Little Bit Stronger”

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I’m trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I’m getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I’m done hoping that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I’m done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn’t happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven’t cried.
I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I’m busy getting stronger.

And I’m done hoping that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I’m done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I’m better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I’m getting stronger without you baby.

And I’m done hoping that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I’m done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I’m just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Life… Success… Purpose… all of these are such huge words, not by letters, but by meaning.  What is the purpose in life? And how does one’s life purpose become a success? Some of us would immediately tag success with money. It’s making enough money to pay your own bills… and maybe even have extra. It’s having a place of your own, a significant other, good friends, and anything else you can come up with.

The world is constantly sending us a message that success is the way you look, what you own, and what you can afford. Christians, though, are very different.  We naturally see success as living for God. It’s about trusting Him, no matter where we are in life. It’s about having faith that God is near… that in the end it will all have been worth it, no matter what. For Christians, success is about reaching people, loving the unlovable, not the American dream. Right?

Well, as much as I would love to say that is clearly the truth, I don’t think it is. I don’t think it’s always so black and white for us Christians. I think sometimes we live in the gray area. Living God’s will is what really matters, but all too often we get caught up in the money thing, the house thing, the spouse thing…. Ironically, this little blurb of mine…. Is a story about me.

A friend of mine explained it as… a chair sitting inside a room next to a bar hanging on the wall. God is that chair and that bar is our life plans. Sometimes we are hanging onto the bar and not quite sitting in the chair, but just sort of squatting. Other times we are sitting in the chair completely, but we still have our hand on the bar. And then one day, we learn to bring our two world’s together… learning that we can sit completely in the chair and let go of the bar, asking Him to take control of “the bar”.

Today is that day for me. Lord, my eyes have been covered with scales. My vision has been blurred by the world’s view. I have lost sight of you, held onto the bar and slowly began squatting until I finally sat, but I have not let go of that little bar until today.  I am sitting fully in you. Success and purpose are not in my hands. It’s all yours Lord. You take it…my life, my plans, my dreams….. and KEEP THEM! Just teach me your will and your plans as I rest in you.

Christians, take off the scales from your eyes. “Purpose” in this world is not the purpose we have in Christ. Sit in the chair. Let go of that bar. Give it ALL to God.

I have been through it lately….. the mountains and valleys. I’ve had my ups and downs, smiles and frowns, and still…. I’m sure life will be this way for pretty much as long as I live. That’s what it’s all about right? It’s some great journey and we have to learn to appreciate it….. thats much easier said when life is in the moutains than in the valleys, but just as important nonetheless.

Anyway, to list all the things I have been going through or where I am in life would take far too long so I’m not going there, but I am saying that the past couple weeks have taken me through some deep, dark, and lonely valleys. I have questioned just about all there was to my life lately…. and honestly, still don’t have many answers. What I do have though, are special moments where God send little pick-me-ups along the way. They may seem like dumb things…… in a life that the deepest depths are questioned and falling apart and all I get are small little moments, but those moments get me through.

So my original intention to this blog was to rejoice with you in the small things God has brought my way, but then as I began to type I realized you would never quite understand because you don’t know where I am or where I’m going or what makes me incredibly happy in life. So what I do want to say is God knows those things. He knows my heart and He knows yours.

I can stand firmly and believe that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle and when life seems twist-turned upside down, He inches His way in and sends a little something to make us smile, even if it is a favorite sent, a pasttime, or a visit with a long lost friend. Those may not seem like they fit in your life plan. None of those are necessarily helping you figure it all out or feel more at peace, but somehow, in God’s sweet and ever so present little way, He helps.

No matter what your going through, how many tears you have have cried, or how deep the pain reaches, HE IS HERE. He is that butterfly that flies across the window, He is that text from a friend who cares, He is the pumpkin spice frappacino. He knows how to make you smile…. and in His timing, He will!

You taught me the value of hard work. No one knows it better than you. Because of you, I give my best and make sure everything I touch is left with a mark of excellence. So many women are not blessed to  have someone like you in their life to teach them such valuable lessons. Know that I genuinely am thankful for you. You are, if nothing else, a hard worker. 

In the past few months,  God has completely re-shaped my view of being a hard worker. He has taught me that working hard is not just done with your hands. Yes, I work hard on physical things. I work hard at my job. I work hard when I’m working out. I work hard at keeping things clean. I work hard at studying and learning.  I work hard at a lot of things, but I finally learned a lesson more valuable than all of these…..  working hard applies to relationships too.

You have to fight to keep people in your life. You have to fight to love with abandon. You have to push past hurt and fight to forgive people when it’s the last thing you want to do. You have to fight to keep in touch with old friends. Relationships are hard work. They too, require a lot of effort. Why, I ask…… is this the one lesson you could never teach? Why is the hardest worker I know perfectly okay with walking away from people, letting friends and family go, and speaking some of the most hurtful words?

I’m fighting for you. I’m working hard to love you with abandon. I’m working hard to let go of hurts and show you I love you anyway. I’m not walking away. You can walk away. You can make it difficult. You can think I’m crazy. You can get caught up in working hard and thinking your showing me love by working hard. You can do whatever you like. But in the end…. I will be working hard to love you and I will have reached countless people simply by working hard at relationships. You, well, if you keep it up…. you will just have nice stuff and more work to do. Please, hear me, relationships matter. I matter. Your family matters. Put down the tools, take some time outs, and work hard at what really matters…. RELATIONSHIPS.

We are all waiting on you.

…for beverages.

Yea, strange I know. 

 Most people – especially girls – treat themselves to chocolate, cheesecakes, or fresh baked cookies. Now don’t get me wrong, - I enjoy all those things. But when I think of special treats…. it’s almost always drinks.

1. Tropical smoothie- any flavor except the dessert ones (I can’t do chocolate in my smoothies)

2. Starbucks- banana chocolate vivano for summer, pumpkin spice frap for fall, and peppermint mocha frap for winter

3. Dunkin Donuts- french vanilla iced coffee with cream and sugar

4. Just about anywhere- a iced cold bottle of Coke

5. McDonald’s- sweet tea

6. Target- pretty legit rasberry lemonade

7. Yogurtland- any flavor and creation I can come up with…. I know this is not a beverage, but its comparable to a beverage beause it’s nothing like ice cream… more like a smoothie

8. Jeremiah’s- any flavor gelati…. also not a beverage, but I still consider it comparable

I know this blog seems rather pointless, and maybe it is, but I found something to be ironic today in my life. My drive to work is pretty much 30 minutes. I know Orlando is a big city and there is a ton of stuff around here, but somehow….. I pass EVERY single one of these places on my way to work. How could a girl be tempted anymore than that? Everyday I’m like, “YES” and then I have to kick in my little self-control mechanism to convince myself it’s not worth the money or the calories. No, I’m not a calorie counter… I just try to somewhat watch what I consume.

All I have gathered from this is how much I love beverages as special treats! Oh, and how grateful I am that I don’t consume alcohol!!! That could be dangerous with my love for drinks… haha! Well, here’s a pat on the back for myself for using self-control even at the end of long and stressful days. Of course I enjoy it sometimes! Who wouldn’t? But I sure am proud of myself…. and happy that I pass all these places for the days I do want to enjoy a treat!